I just can't help but wonder
by words end here
Summary: A companion piece to 'You never forget your first love' . NP and Chraley. Haley reflects on her relationship with Nathan.


I just can't help but wonder

I just can't help but wonder.

Does he want her? Does he Love her? No, that's not possible. Nathan loves me. Always has done, and he always will.

He told me himself; _Always and Forever._ And those aren't exactly words you just say for the sake of it.

A year of marriage, yet I just can't help but wonder…

So I came back from my tour. For him, to win him back. Besides, it was safer that way. I would be away from Chris and everything would return to the way it was. Nathan and I would be happy, Chris would be out of my life and I would be home.

If only it was that simple.

I returned. I'll admit, it was abrupt and sudden, but so are a lot of other events in Tree Hill. Surely this would make no difference.

Except she was there beside him when he opened the door. Figures, he always goes to Blondie when he needs advice and clarity. He always goes to Blondie for comfort.

Quite a considerable amount of time had passed since I turned up at his doorstep unannounced. I thought the situation would just revert back to how we were. Turns out that was just wishful thinking on my part.

Nathan and Peyton grew closer. They would walk to school together. And they looked like they used to, back in the day when they dated. The perfect couple. Even Brooke said they were made for each other.

However there was something more this time. This time, when he looked at her…he looked at her they way he would look at me. That was_ our _look. I'll never be able to erase that image from my head.

As for me and Peyton? Every time she spoke to me it included at least two insults. Clearly, she was on team Nathan. So much for hoes over bros. That motto seemed to go out the window whenever it included the Scott boys. Then she selected him for the boy draft, and for the first time, I was scared out of my mind. She would select him, they'd begin dating, he would fall in love with her all over again and my marriage would be over.

Of course looking back, she says she was joking about the whole draft fiasco.

Behind every joke is a shred of truth.

I and Nathan were growing closer together, yet I just can; help but wonder…

Then Chris decided to rear his head again. Perfect timing, absolutely perfect. Nathan and I were back on track, and I couldn't help but feel he was coming back for the sole purpose of derailing us. Again.

I couldn't believe he slept with Brooke. It hurt, a lot. We had been together on tour…and then he returns to sleep with her?

But then again, I returned for my husband. When I promised Chris I wouldn't.

Then he left again, I wasn't budging.

_Flashback_

"_Haley, you promised me after tour, you would get a divorce and we could be together, properly together, what happened?"_

"_My marriage is what happened, Chris. Look I love you, but there's no way we can do this. I'll lose everything-_

"_And you're prepared to lose me?"_

"_I love you. I always will love you, and I love you so much that in a messed up way it makes me hate you, love you. I have a husband."_

"_Do ever think what things could have been like if you hadn't married him so young, Haley? You regret it, I know you do."_

"_You're right. I do. I'll always regret this. But I owe this to my marriage. I owe it a second chance. I thought he was the one Chris, I really did. But he's not."_

_End flashback._

I kissed him on the cheek and that was the end of us. I didn't see him again until the Honeygrove road trip. And, honestly after the whole "You're looking kinda chubby Hales" conversation I found him a lot less attractive.

Something tells me he found me a lot less attractive, carrying Nathan's baby.

We had a beautiful son, whom I love above everything else. James Lucas Scott.

Graduation followed quickly. Then real life kicked in. At least I didn't have to worry about Peyton for a while, she was in L.A. Lucas proposed and she declined. I always wondered why, they're just that couple you and look at and think "they're destined."

She never told me why she said no.

And that's probably because she knew it would ruin my marriage.

Well here we are five years later. When she returned Nathan never looked happier. Oh, and this time she said yes to Lucas's proposal after stealing him away from Lindsey.

And she is walking down the aisle, and as jealous as I am, I have to admit she looks absolutely stunning.

And Nathan's not looking at me; he can't seem to take his eyes off her.

Five years of marriage, a son, a huge house and a relatively happy life.

Yet I just can't help but think we could have been so much happier if we had followed our hearts all those years ago.

**Please review x**


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